How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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