I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
