I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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