It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
