I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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