I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
