matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
