okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
