this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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