he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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