Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
