guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
