these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
