sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
