Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
