my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
