i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
