I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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