So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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