I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
