Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
