I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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