in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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