My Higher Power is John Stamos
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have fence marks all over my body
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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