Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
