you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
