Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
