Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize