It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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