He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
