Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't turn off my feet"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
