And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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