The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
