Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
