I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
being pregnant is like rehab
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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