You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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