im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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