meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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