My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
