Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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