so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
