Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
