i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
