so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
