happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
