We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
