You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
