I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
