Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
