My sheets look like a crime scene.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
