Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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