I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
where are my eyebrows?
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