Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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