No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
