Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
