I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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