I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
